Category: Relationships

Leaving a bed

By , January 19, 2013 4:29 pm

Recently Y explained to me why X must be happy with her celibate marriage – sex and loving gestures equally dead. After all, I was told, X had been the one to leave the shared bed for separate rooms. X’s affair with the builder a few years ago notwithstanding, everything was fine.  She wanted things to be the way they were.

The one who leaves the bed is likely to be the one who does not like the status quo. The one who stays finds the cool relations comfortable. The one who leaves has been aware of the person next to him/her avoiding touch, and possibly other forms of intimacy. The other one is content enough to share the room and leave it at that.

A celibate marriage is acceptable if that’s what both partners want. Y reckons her parents were blissfully happy with their celibate marriage – after they’d had their two children. Who knows? We rarely have much idea what is going on below the surface of a relationship that isn’t our own. Is the public kiss or hug that we see the tip of an iceberg of love and warm actions, or is it the surface of an ice floe? It might be all that there is. We don’t know.

Unequal relationship

By , January 17, 2013 11:50 am

Have you noticed it’s the one who doesn’t like things who wins? Especially up against an easy-going type?

So … can’t stand music or radio in the car – OK, we’ll have silence. Can’t stand the smell of garlic, cheese onions, kippers – OK, won’t cook or eat them. Don’t like the smell of flowers or perfume - OK, houseplants are out then, along with a few other things.

A different kind of relationship: Allergic to just about everything – OK, madam, I’ll ask the chef to cook your sprouts without the chestnuts, give you extra parsnips instead of the Yorkshire pudding, and see that the top of your creme brule is an even golden brown without any dark bits.

Can’t stand these wet, dark days? You’re a very sensitive person who must have these things right? I’ll have a word with God.

Most relationships are a little uneven. There needs to be give and take. But if there is an habitual taker, they may not be aware of the damage and resentment they have caused. They will jog along happily, assured that all is well, because they have won, hardly aware that there was a battle and that the loser is licking his/her wounds.

So – Loser … don’t become a martyr. If it’s got to that stage, speak up. If speaking doesn’t work (very likely if you’re at that stage) act and hit them where it hurts. Be a bit selfish and determined.

Winner … if you’re very comfortable, just check what your sitting on – is it a cushion or crushed dreams? Oh dear, that’s a bit purple.